I was in one of those I-need-to-get-bread-now kind of moods, but was hoping not to bring home something boring, white, and doughy. Then I stumbled upon this a dark stranger with a European accent: Lithuanian Rye Bread.

Product Review: Today’s Temptations “Lithuanian Rye Bread”

Turned out to be a bang-up stroke of luck!

Impression

Lithuanian Rye would go good with kielbasa.

Loved it! It’s hearty and flavorful. I would call this Lithuanian rye “bold,” but that makes it sound deliberately assertive. It’s more unassuming than that … like it just can’t help itself from being so compellingly delectable. Aside from the expected (flour and yeast), it contains malt, molasses, sugar, onion, and caraway seeds. The onion is strong, and the caraway sits right behind it.

It makes me crave sauerkraut. Not the kind you’d put on a hot dog, the kind you’d find inside a pierogi. Sound tasty? If not, I’m probably barking up a tree you have yet to climb. However, if you’re someone who appreciates a good bigos, you will love this Lithuanian rye bread. It has a striking, deliciously Russian flavor – not “Russian” as in, “Let’s put a spoonful of sour cream on this vegetarian borscht.” Because that’s sad. Russian as in, “Let’s drink vodka, eat pickles, don furcoats and valenki, and march on Red Square while bears are leaving their forest homes to be walking down village streets.” But I’m Polish, damnit, so I feel I must point out that this bread would pair fantastically with richly-flavored foods like our beloved kielbasa.

Sorry that I name only Polish dishes, my Lithuanian neighbors. This rye bread would also pair well with foods common to all mankind of advanced social culture, such as sunny-side-up eggs and bacon. I had it with tomato-basil soup last night and it was fantastic.

Quality

Exceedingly good texture, fresh-tasting, chewy crust, dense and moist crumb. Temptation indeed! What’s more, it’s all-natural. What, temptation? Yes, and the rye bread. I feel good about that term “natural.” It makes me think of life in the idyllic countryside, circa 1870. Oh, those were good days. Self-sufficient youngsters without a care in the world, running barefoot through the verdant fields. Back then, a shoe was a shoe; there were no “right” and “left” shoes. No wonder we ran around barefoot. And those fields weren’t exactly manicured golf courses; our feet were battered and disgusting. And did I mention that cappuccino wouldn’t be invented for about 75 years? Kurczę!

Homer: Snap the Whip

Didn’t mean to frighten you. I’ll move on. Somehow, the past is nostalgic. The Middle Ages is King Arthur, unless someone forcibly reminds you of the Inquisition. Farm life in the late 19th century is blissful until you have to go to the bathroom. In winter. That’s why, unless someone slaps my face and brings me back to my senses, I know without questioning it that if I buy foods with the term “natural” on the label, I’ll be bringing the wholesomeness and healthfulness of a Homer painting into my Quarter-Pounder-filled life. Maybe that’s just the kind of balance that I need. If I could only get this one thing right, all the details of my tired and miserable existence would fall into place and I’d finally be happy. This positively influences my purchasing habits, so … congratulations marketers. Food labels written by marketers and lawyers who find legally convincing ways to make “all-natural” mean pretty much nothing. Here, let me give this pierdolić a try: human beings are found in nature. They naturally have brains. Their brains naturally cause them to think up things like, “If I put antifreeze in ice cream, it gives the ice cream a better texture.” Is the product of the natural thought of a natural brain in a natural organism not natural? Ergo: a genetically-modified protein^[1], cloned from the blood of an eel-like Arctic Ocean fish, is now making your ice cream creamier, while low-temperature extrusion allows us to use less fat without loss of perception. [Cheers erupt in conference room.] Chief legal council raises her hand, “OK, but there’s no way we can fucking put that on the label.” Ethics officer notes the use of the word “fucking,” but says nothing because he isn’t sure if it’s OK for women to say it. Junior kretyn executive about to get a raise pops up, “Hey, how about we just call it ‘slow churned,’ which we won’t bother to define? We’ll let them assume that Laura Ingalls make our ice cream in hand-crank churners.” Five minutes of back patting and meeting adjourned. But I digress.

Correlatives

All that all-natural stuff is important, but mam to w dupie. The thing that sent flying to my laptop over this Lithuanian rye bread is how well paired with Joe-meat! I made Philly Joes a few nights ago and had some leftover – which is nice, because Joe always tastes better the next day. There I was, scrounging around for some lunch, when it hit me like French girl: get up off your white-bread buns, Philly Joe, and shake hands with this Russian rye! I nuked some Joe-meat for minute in a bowl while I toasted a couple pieces of rye. Then, using the toast as though it were an edible spoon, I scooped up the Joe meat and ate it. Absolutely off the deep end! Joe-meat and Lithuanian rye are now inseparable in my mind. I’m thinking they might get married, but I’m not sure if that’s legal in my state yet. Anyway, I figure they’ll probably ask me to cater, and if the reception is formal I’m thinking of creating an hors d’oeuvre called Philadelphia Joseph Provolone Crostini III.

Joe on Rye will give you what you need to finish that shoveling.

Availability from Today’s Temptations at the Jewel of the Hood. I presume other Jewel locations carry it, too. But one can never anticipate these things with much accuracy. Jewels have a smart way or molding their offerings to the tastes of their neighborhoods. For instance, the Family Jewel – with a Treasure Island and Whole Foods just a few blocks away – has more of a selection of upscale foods. The Queen’s Jewel, which sits atop Andersonville – the best-established gayborhood north of Boystown – boasts rows upon rows upon rows of vodka – a selection that cannot be rivaled even by all the gay bars on Clark Street put together, whereas its produce section (more like an appendage) seems restricted mainly to the fruits and vegetables most likely to garnish a martini. UPDATE!The Queen’s Jewel has come to its senses. They completely beefed up their produce. 3/11/12Locally Sourced Today’s Temptation Lithuanian Rye is made right here Chicago. It’s kosher, which  is kind of ironic for a company dedicated to the promotion of daily temptations. But I grew up in a religious household, so I get it. I’ll taste something if you tell me it’s “heavenly,” but tell me it’s “sinfully delicious,” and I’ll order a dozen to go, sight unseen. Price $3.79 for a 26-oz loaf. 12/31/2013

Notes:

See Also:

Karaway Bakery

Philly Joes

Here’s a spread for that bread: click me