I’ve never been one for interplanetary travel at sublight speeds. I always swore I’d wait until we develop warp drive. But here I am today at Jupiter Outpost.

Someone on Yelp says that Jupiter Outpost (a café and restaurant on Chicago’s near west side) is in “a sort of random location.” I say that’s just one more reason to hate Yelp. I recoil from that use of “random.” It’s not wholly “wrong,” it’s just so … vapid. And if you need more convincing, the reviewer also used “decor wise” without an é or a hyphen – and I’m not sure which of those pisses me off more! Besides, it’s not random. Read on.

Jupiter Outpost is not far from Dark Matter. Dark Matter claims to be the Mothership. Coincidence? I think not. West Town is also home to cafés with names like “Atomix” and “Big Delicious Planet.” As it turns out, West Town is also home to an energy vortex circle – the only one known to exist in an urban environment. This doesn’t explain why Flying Saucer is in neighboring Humboldt Park instead of West Town, but there is much about vortices that isn’t fully known. What is known is that the vortex emanates from the alley behind Jupiter, near Mars Gallery’s loading dock, but it affects the building itself, including the gallery as well as the seating in the rear of Jupiter Outpost. This explains why Fulton Market is a one-way street on the east side of Racine, but two-way west of Racine, as this forces traffic to flow around the vortex in a counterclockwise motion (against the vortex). Random my ass, Yelp Reviewer.

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Hotspots-a-Go-Joe. Edition XIII/iii

This is the 3rd of a multi-part post on coffee and free WIFI in West Town – also West Loop and Near West, only because Chicago cannot keep this stuff straight. To read it from the beginning, or to see a listing of all the West Town/Wherever cafés and restaurants miLam has reviewed, click here.

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Jupiter Outpost

1139 W Fulton Market
(2.5 / 5)

Our rating system tells you if this is a great place to work or study, while drinking great coffee. Although you’ll get great coffee at Jupiter Outpost, there are more work-friendly cafés in the Second City.

Pros

1. Energy vortex
2. Live turtle
3. The freest internet in the world
4. Some of the easiest coffee I’ve drunk

Enlarge to See Turtle

Cons

1. Not a great spot for beardspotting. “Because all the guys in that neighborhood are forward-looking mustachios,” you surmise? No, they’re so clean-shaven that you’d think men’s facial hair fashion hadn’t even been invented yet. And it doesn’t stop there. It stops with some pretty uninspired jeans and untucked button-downs.
2. Uncomfortable seating. My poor lumbar region.
3. Seriously plug-challenged.
4. “Ego Tripping at the Gates of Hell,” by The Flaming Lips. Is this really the music of the café subculture, or is there a conspiracy of cafés trying to force it on us?

WIFI: Yes. Good enough. No password, not even a terms-and-conditions screen. Just like logging on at home. Can you work or study here? You know you can, but if you’re really looking for someplace to camp out, you can do better. Public Restroom: Yes. Plugs: Few. Try in the back, near the vortex, across from the turtle, behind the bathroom.

Coffee: I had a “slingshot,” which is what they call a Red Eye on Jupiter. The red eye may have more aliases than any other coffee drink I know of, but “slingshot” isn’t one with which I’m familiar. Jupiter’s slingshot smells so good, I think it ought to qualify as aroma therapy. It tastes a little woodsy, with a bit of a subtle chocolate finish … smooth, but with the slightest bitter notes around the edges. It is some of the easiest coffee I’ve drunk in recent memory.

Jupiter Outpost

Fulton Market

None of the pastries at the coffee counter appealed to me. Me, a guy who advocates buying more doughnuts than you can possibly eat. They all looked … how can I put this … gluten-free, sugar-free, whole-grain, vegan, and made with locally-sourced, non-GMO ingredients by women who wear sandals and their pony-tailed husbands. I might be in the wrong café, and I’ll freely confess that right up front.

Jupiter Outpost is a restaurant as well as a café. Whatever they were cooking while I was there (on the day before Halloween), it smelled like Thanksgiving. Specifically, like turkey in the oven with gizzards boiling on the stove. It smelled so good, I decided I might as well eat. So I had The Moloney Club with Chicken Corn Chowder, according to their Jupiter soup and sandwich deal. The chowder was literally a cup of soup – eight ounces, I mean. But a very good cup of soup: beautifully silky texture, nice mix of veggies, great flavor. The sandwich: tons of meat, so happy I had it, great bread, perfectly condimented. Can I say condimented? I want to. I’m going to. I did.

The Maloney Club