Usually, I start a review like this by linking to a café’s website, but Star Lounge doesn’t have one. Websites are so boring. Anyone who belongs at Star Lounge already knows where it is. And they’re open, like, when you need coffee … so, those are their hours.

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Coffee and Wi-Fi West of the Kennedy

This is the 2nd in a series of West Town café reviews. To see them all, click here.

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Hotspots-a-Go-Joe, edition XV

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(5 / 5)
Someplace in West Town

Is Star Lounge in West Town? Maybe it’s in Humboldt Park. I’m a little hesitant to tell you where it is. In fact, I feel like I’m doing Star Lounge something of a disservice by putting this info out on the free Internet, when they’re trying so hard to stay off it, but I’ve always had a hard time staying inside the lines. Don’t even ask me to meet your expectations, because as soon as you make them clear to me, I will develop an astonishing ability to defy them. You see, I have this “normalcy” deficiency, or handicap, if you will. Like an alien trying to pretend to be an earthling, I do an incredibly good job in the broad strokes, but I’ve never been able to master human nuances, and this ultimately gives me away every time. I spent many of my early adult years investigating nonconformist identities, thinking they’d provide me with a more credible backstory, but it turns out that I wasn’t even a good fit for square pegs in a round-hole world. I couldn’t nonconform well enough to convince the nonconformists of my nonconformity.

Star Lounge Serves “Do-Rite Donuts” Doughnuts

Turns out that I’m not a nonconformist. I’m a subversive, intellectual purist. This is evidenced perfectly by the limited range of my coffee-drinking acceptabilities: strong black, double espresso, or short cappuccino. Indeed, it is strong, black, Dark Matter coffee that brings me to Star Lounge today. (Well, that and a couple of doughnuts.)

Star Lounge

Dark Matter gave birth to Star Lounge. In true Greek-god fashion, Star Lounge then consumed Dark Matter, and proceeded to give birth to Dark Matter reincarnate, which planted itself just a stone’s throw from here. If that screams “sci-fi fantasy” to you, I applaud your instincts. I’m convinced that this place is run by aliens. In fact, you might think I got here by taking Addison to Western to W Chicago Ave., or on the 66 bus. Well, first of all, I never take the bus … are you kidding? But actually, I didn’t drive here, either. I fell asleep at Jupiter Outpost – yeah, right next to Mars Gallery – a little too close to the energy vortex, and … I woke up here! At least I think I fell asleep. I seem to have several hours that I can’t account for. And my butt hurts.

In any case, Star Lounge is a great place to find yourself. Restaurant Guru has a fantastic review.

In a world of stroller-filled cafes and flannel-clad patrons sipping soy lattes, Star Lounge Coffee Bar is an aromatic breath of fresh air. This Humboldt Park coffee bar, home base for Chicago’s revered Dark Matter coffee, is a more mature coffee experience, with a format that resembles a late-night bar, even in the daytime. – (read more…)

You should be aware that Star Lounge has no dress code … or perhaps they have an anti-dress code. As soon as Star Lounge detects a fashion trend, they get past it. They fucking defy it. That’s how genuine this place is. If you’re the kind of person who doesn’t understand just exactly how “fitting in” works, you will not fit in perfectly here. Think the man bun is edgy? “To save would-be coffee enthusiasts the embarrassment of being turned away, behind the bar they keep a pair of sheers, with which they will clip that goddamned man bun right off your head,” is, I suspect, their policy – not because they have yet to embrace the top knot: they’ve already gotten bored with it. Wearing something hand-knitted, or carrying a macramé backpack? I probably saw you here over the weekend. Did you just wake up and throw on some shit that looks like you didn’t give it a lot of thought? Something that maybe needs laundering? Yeah, that was probably you I saw sipping cold brew at the bar. Are you a hipster who doesn’t own a bike, but can speak fluent Russian? Defect to Star Lounge. Got a dog? Yes, pretend you’re French and bring the dog. This place is way to crowded for your fucking little pooch, but that’s exactly why you should bring it. Sporting an epic beard? OK … hold up. Is it stylish? Do they have your order memorized at The Wormhole? Move along, pal. However, if your beard is the inevitable result of your uncalculted-yet-inescapable masculinity, there is probably a bulletproof coffee waiting for you behind the bar.

Definitely do not come here with your two little kids named Aiden and Arielle.

They make the “normal” people drink their Dark Matter Coffee outside.

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WIFI: good. The password, yet one more clue that aliens walk among us here
Working or studying: lots of seating: in, out, and up. Plugs in most indoor spots and, if you’re clever, a few of the outdoor spots
Coffee: absofuckinglutely
Good eats nearby: Have not yet investigated, too full of doughnuts

You may also like our other West Town reviews, or a list of all our café w/WIFI reviews.

Image credits: Make It Like a Man! Hover over images and/or green text for pop-up info. Click for more.

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