(Image Credit: Guyisms: What Guys Need)

Snickers 1-pound, 9-inch Candy Bar

Christmas isn’t far off. Did you forget the stocking stuffers? It takes a ton to perfectly fill a stocking. It calls for something that takes up space. This December, I’m suggesting this big-ass Snickers might be suitable. Believe me, you haven’t had your sock stuffed until you crammed one of these down it. But don’t procrastinate; this freakish phenomenon won’t be around forever.

I was driving around in the middle of nowhere (which, to be precise, means Farina IL), searching for that perfect, thoughtful Christmas gift, when I came upon a Snickers Slice’n Share 16-oz. candy bar, just sitting there, on a shelf in a gas station, like it was ordinary. But the best part was, when I lugged the thing to the checkout, the clerk asked me if I wanted to throw in a couple regular-sized Snickers, since they were on sale. As if this ginormous candy bar wouldn’t satisfy me, and I need a couple more regular-size ones for dessert.

Anyone who says size doesn’t matter probably hasn’t met up with something nine inches long that weighs a full pound.

(Image Credit: Fat Guy Eats)

It claims to contain nine servings, but you know damn well that I’m eating the entire friggin thing. And if I do, I will have consumed 2,160 calories, including 180% of my daily recommended intake of saturated fat. There’s no better time than the span between Thanksgiving and Christmas to do that kind of eatin’! And bonus: there’s a silver lining … I’ll get 18% of my daily iron, with traces of vitamins A and C. Ho ho ho!

How is it that this candy bar has been around for at least four years, but I’m just now coming across one? What’s up with that, Santa?

If you want one, you should know that it’ll set you back about twelve bucks – no, not in Santa bribes, in a direct payment to your local dealer. Of candy. But don’t procrastinate. I hear that Mars plans to phase out every product over 250 calories, and promote smaller versions of them. I think they’re going to call them “healthier,” and you can’t argue that in a literal sense. Sort of like how jumping off the roof of your house – even if you do it twice – is better for you than jumping off a skyscraper.

(…even though it says right on the package, “Slice and Share.” Image Credit: Asian Town)

Snickers Slice’n Share

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This content was not solicited – especially not by Mars – nor was it written in exchange for anything. If you ask us, Mars should send miLam their remaining inventory of Slice-n Shares – especially considering the lengths to which we went to keep comparisons of obscenely large candy bars and … shall we say “male prowess” somewhat subtle. We would probably distribute them to men who feel insecure about the size and girth of their novelty confections, with the hope that, in this season of giving, it would bring comfort guys who aren’t used to getting any. Candy.

Just for the record, I sliced it and shared mine.

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