Mix the natural and the unnatural together, and what do you get? Pink fluffy unicorns dancing on rainbows? No, not quite that bad. You usually wind up with something like this:

Credit: The Movie Blog

Or this:

Credit: YouTube

Instead of the best of both worlds, you get some kind of mysterious alien that tries to destroy humanity with tractor beams and invasive biotechnology, or just with its big, fat ass perplexing celebrity. And so it is with Pink Fluff.

Pink Fluff is a brilliant combination of ingredients: one small box of Jell-O, one small carton of small-curd cottage cheese, and one small tub of Cool Whip. Want more fluff? One large box of Jell-O, one large carton of small-curd cottage cheese, and one large tub of Cool Whip. See what I mean about brilliant? But if it’s brilliant, it is also an unholy marriage of unlike ingredients that if left unchecked, might threaten our very existence.

Start with slightly soured milk, curdled into small coagulated bits. That’s gross, but natural. Then mix in an entire litany of ingredients born of Mother Nature’s most horrifying nightmares: hydrogenated vegetable oil and high fructose corn syrup with touches of sodium caseinate, artificial color and flavor, xanthan and guar gums, polysorbate 60, sorbitan monostearate, and beta carotene. I know; you want to turn away in dismay. But we’re not done yet. Throw in a handful of long, stringy, proteins that get tied up in loose knots capable of holding water molecules in and keeping them from flowing freely, and you get something … truly evil – like a vampire. And like a vampire, it’s difficult to photograph.

In pictures, Pink Fluff often looks like a type of concrete formulated for the foundation of Barbie’s Dream House, or maybe the caulk that keeps her plastic countertops from developing leaks. This could be due to the fact that in real life, that is indeed what fluff looks like. Don’t let that get to you, though. It’s fucking delicious. Never forget that, even if it kills you.

Some people believe that by introducing more biological elements to Pink Fluff, you can turn it’s dark, dark heart back to the side of life. Crushed pineapple is often given strong consideration, but new research has shown bananas and strawberries to hold promise. You see, botanically speaking, bananas are berries, while strawberries aren’t. The irony of mixing these two fruits together seems to counteract the blasphemy of mixing of something made in a cow with something made in a laboratory. Even with insight into this ironic blasohemy, however, fluff remains mostly a mystery.

The Mysteries of Pink Fluff

For instance, fluff is always identified by its color rather than its flavor. Is Pink Fluff cherry flavored? Strawberry? Raspberry? You’ll never know, because it never identifies itself as anything but “pink.” For all you know, it might be blood-flavored. The only way you’re going to find out is to taste it … if you dare.

Credit: Doug the Cook

Credit: Dinosaurs Can’t Eat Pizza

If that’s not mysterious enough, regardless of the fluff’s color, it is always described as “pink.” Therefore, you can have green Pink Fluff and yellow Pink Fluff. You can even have purple and blue Pink Fluff. Of course, this would lead you to think that when Pink Fluff is pink, it should be referred to as “pink Pink Fluff.” But you shouldn’t. It isn’t. You also shouldn’t add mini marshmallows. That’s just plain gross. But it’s not as gross as pink fluffy unicorns dancing on rainbows.